Guess who forgot to set an alarm this morning! Guess who slept in for the longest time of her life! Guess who missed the first half of her English class today!
Mm... Yeah. My sleeping schedule has been all messed up these last few days. Three times over the last two weeks, I fell asleep sprawled on my bed with my lights still on. I've spent many a night over the last month pushing through the early hours of the morning, talking online friends through their anxious and/or depressed and/or suicidal feelings. I've come to the conclusion that I could never be a real clinical psychologist or therapist, because I like things to stay the way they were the last time I saw them, and not to slump down again when I turn my back. Sometimes, I feel like Mr. Incredible at the beginning of "The Incredibles", when he says, "I just cleaned up this mess! Can you keep it clean for- for ten minutes? Please?"
I hope none of those online friends ever find this blog, because they'd probably take these words to heart and panic that they're annoying me and being a burden and stuff. I don't blame them for having these weights upon their shoulders, and I'm here to be a safe person they can talk to. I don't consider it a burden. I mean, I AM only human, so I do at times wish I could put things on pause sometimes so I can have an hour of free time to just focus on myself or something, but there's no way to phrase that without sounding like they are annoying me.
The fact that they're talking to me isn't annoying. I won't complain about such things when they're going through worse. I just... look forward to breathing again. Mom used to be irritated when I would say "And this is why I don't have friends" in my youth when peers around me were having drama problems. I've amassed a decent collection of online friends now, and I care about each one of them. I like to think I've moved past the "This is why I don't have friends" mindset, and I'm trying my hardest not to reminisce about the days I used to be able to finish school and homework and be able to spend the rest of the afternoon writing or whatever. The highs of friendship will come again. And they're good highs. I won't complain about the lows. And they're not necessarily lows, anyway- I like hearing from my pals about what's going on in their personal lives.
Anyway. I was very late to English class, but my teacher still marked me on the role, which was nice of her. Luckily I only had one class of the day. I came back and did steal a bit of time for myself to revise a section of writing I've been wanting to for a few days. Then I searched out the Willow Park zoo. It looked like they'd rather I came in to pick up an internship application than call on the phone, so I found the bus lines and rode down there on the Number 7. Unfortunately, I had been watching for any indication of a zoo nearby, so I missed my stop and had to ride around a second time. You had to walk for a few minutes down the street, and there weren't big signs out, so you had to know where you were going.
Mm... Yeah. My sleeping schedule has been all messed up these last few days. Three times over the last two weeks, I fell asleep sprawled on my bed with my lights still on. I've spent many a night over the last month pushing through the early hours of the morning, talking online friends through their anxious and/or depressed and/or suicidal feelings. I've come to the conclusion that I could never be a real clinical psychologist or therapist, because I like things to stay the way they were the last time I saw them, and not to slump down again when I turn my back. Sometimes, I feel like Mr. Incredible at the beginning of "The Incredibles", when he says, "I just cleaned up this mess! Can you keep it clean for- for ten minutes? Please?"
I hope none of those online friends ever find this blog, because they'd probably take these words to heart and panic that they're annoying me and being a burden and stuff. I don't blame them for having these weights upon their shoulders, and I'm here to be a safe person they can talk to. I don't consider it a burden. I mean, I AM only human, so I do at times wish I could put things on pause sometimes so I can have an hour of free time to just focus on myself or something, but there's no way to phrase that without sounding like they are annoying me.
The fact that they're talking to me isn't annoying. I won't complain about such things when they're going through worse. I just... look forward to breathing again. Mom used to be irritated when I would say "And this is why I don't have friends" in my youth when peers around me were having drama problems. I've amassed a decent collection of online friends now, and I care about each one of them. I like to think I've moved past the "This is why I don't have friends" mindset, and I'm trying my hardest not to reminisce about the days I used to be able to finish school and homework and be able to spend the rest of the afternoon writing or whatever. The highs of friendship will come again. And they're good highs. I won't complain about the lows. And they're not necessarily lows, anyway- I like hearing from my pals about what's going on in their personal lives.
Anyway. I was very late to English class, but my teacher still marked me on the role, which was nice of her. Luckily I only had one class of the day. I came back and did steal a bit of time for myself to revise a section of writing I've been wanting to for a few days. Then I searched out the Willow Park zoo. It looked like they'd rather I came in to pick up an internship application than call on the phone, so I found the bus lines and rode down there on the Number 7. Unfortunately, I had been watching for any indication of a zoo nearby, so I missed my stop and had to ride around a second time. You had to walk for a few minutes down the street, and there weren't big signs out, so you had to know where you were going.
But I did make it. I filled out the application, which was just a volunteer application that I was supposed to write "internship" on. Between my being a certified veterinary assistant and having volunteer / internship experience in that area, hopefully they consider me. Here's the little zoo:
I was up the street when I saw the bus coming. It reached the bus stop a minute before I did, so of course it went on without me. That meant it wouldn't be back for half an hour.
Now, I keep up with a few "Life Hack" blogs, and recently the topic of "How to make a Wendy's Frosty" came up (Apparently the answer is "lots of chocolate milk and cool whip"). While on the bus, I'd noticed a Wendy's nearby. I was craving a cold treat and needed to kill time. So, I asked Siri which way to go and started walking the 0.4 miles to it. I ran into some missionaries on the way and had a short talk with them. I also passed this river, which is apparently part of the Jordan River:
Now, I keep up with a few "Life Hack" blogs, and recently the topic of "How to make a Wendy's Frosty" came up (Apparently the answer is "lots of chocolate milk and cool whip"). While on the bus, I'd noticed a Wendy's nearby. I was craving a cold treat and needed to kill time. So, I asked Siri which way to go and started walking the 0.4 miles to it. I ran into some missionaries on the way and had a short talk with them. I also passed this river, which is apparently part of the Jordan River:
As I walked, I became a little nervous. It had seemed like I'd have time to get my Frosty when the bus wasn't supposed to come for half an hour. Of course, I was walking along the bus route TOWARDS the direction the bus would be coming from, which shortened the time it would pass me. I knew that if service was quick, I could get my Frosty and make it back to one of the closer bus stops I passed. I just didn't know how long it would take.
Fortunately, not long. I went in and asked for a medium chocolate Frosty, handed over my card, and then knelt down to tie my shoe. Just as I was picking up the laces, another employee came and passed me the Frosty. Now that's service. I thanked them, took my card and receipt, grabbed a spoon, and hurried back to the nearest bus stop before finally tying my shoe. It turned out that the bus was still several minutes away, so everything worked out!
I texted Mom at this time and caught her up on the situation. She said, "Well that was a productive Friday!". I responded, "I'll probably make one of those homemade pizzas [that you bought for me awhile ago] for dinner too! I can adult!"
Fortunately, not long. I went in and asked for a medium chocolate Frosty, handed over my card, and then knelt down to tie my shoe. Just as I was picking up the laces, another employee came and passed me the Frosty. Now that's service. I thanked them, took my card and receipt, grabbed a spoon, and hurried back to the nearest bus stop before finally tying my shoe. It turned out that the bus was still several minutes away, so everything worked out!
I texted Mom at this time and caught her up on the situation. She said, "Well that was a productive Friday!". I responded, "I'll probably make one of those homemade pizzas [that you bought for me awhile ago] for dinner too! I can adult!"
Of course, the irony is not lost on me here, considering that I slept through part of English class. Whoops. At least I was able to talk with my teacher and get the information I needed. It's nice to live in this day and age, where teachers can post their PowerPoints online and everything.
At the transit center, I got off the 7 and went grocery shopping at Smiths for milk, bananas, and Pop Tarts. I think I missed the 2 bus by a minute when I came out again, because I sure was waiting a long time for it to come back, and it was about five minutes late too. I ended up complimenting the girl next to me about her dress, and we talked for a long time. Her name is Ebony, and she's an RA on the second floor of Blue Square. So that was good.
When I finally got home and got all the groceries put away, I changed into my pajamas and took a few minutes for myself. Emphasis on "few minutes", because it was hardly half an hour before Demetria reminded me that her opera performance was tonight, and I'd told her I was planning to go. Oops. There was a show on Saturday as well, but the buses don't run then. Demetria left early, and while she was out, I got dressed again.
My plan was to be early to her performance, but I ended up getting lost in the Fine Arts building. Turns out, Demetria and I visit this building through opposite doors. From where I was, there were stairs and ramps EVERYWHERE, but somehow, the only way to get to the theater department was to walk through the Artist's Block Cafe, which at this time of night was all dark. I ended up being late, but I did eventually make it. I had to stand to the side and wait until intermission to get a seat, but it wasn't so bad. Luckily Demetria's scenes were all at the end:
When I finally got home and got all the groceries put away, I changed into my pajamas and took a few minutes for myself. Emphasis on "few minutes", because it was hardly half an hour before Demetria reminded me that her opera performance was tonight, and I'd told her I was planning to go. Oops. There was a show on Saturday as well, but the buses don't run then. Demetria left early, and while she was out, I got dressed again.
My plan was to be early to her performance, but I ended up getting lost in the Fine Arts building. Turns out, Demetria and I visit this building through opposite doors. From where I was, there were stairs and ramps EVERYWHERE, but somehow, the only way to get to the theater department was to walk through the Artist's Block Cafe, which at this time of night was all dark. I ended up being late, but I did eventually make it. I had to stand to the side and wait until intermission to get a seat, but it wasn't so bad. Luckily Demetria's scenes were all at the end:
I didn't want to disturb anyone, so this was
the only picture I snuck that turned out at all
The performance was... interesting. They were doing scenes from various operas, as well as some scenes from the musical "Hairspray". I don't really like operas because I prefer being able to understand words (and I'm not talking about the ones they sang in French- I just mean, I like being able to recognize more than one word in seven). I actually thought Demetria had better pronunciation than the other people who performed, though that's the one thing her teacher critiqued her on after the show.
There were some strange scene choices, though. One involved a boy with a combination lock in his mouth, because he'd been cursed by witches for telling a lie, so his words during the song were a bunch of "Mmhm! Mmhm!"s. That was kind of fun. Although, for some reason they decided to set this scene from some opera in a high school? Like, everything was the same, except one of the characters had a cell phone and wore a Letterman's jacket. So there were witches. And no props. I don't know why attention was called to the fact that this was a high school AU.
There were some "gypsy" scenes that were cool. Those were the French songs, which I was able to pick some words out of. It also helped that the English translations were projected on the screen. I liked one of the songs when a hunter was supposed to be cleaning his gun, and so he was sitting there polishing his Nerf gun. Opera's not really my thing and I wouldn't say I LOVED the performance, but it was good and I was able to support Demetria. Deprived me of the time I'd planned to spend doing my big English project, but at least I have tomorrow.
There were some strange scene choices, though. One involved a boy with a combination lock in his mouth, because he'd been cursed by witches for telling a lie, so his words during the song were a bunch of "Mmhm! Mmhm!"s. That was kind of fun. Although, for some reason they decided to set this scene from some opera in a high school? Like, everything was the same, except one of the characters had a cell phone and wore a Letterman's jacket. So there were witches. And no props. I don't know why attention was called to the fact that this was a high school AU.
There were some "gypsy" scenes that were cool. Those were the French songs, which I was able to pick some words out of. It also helped that the English translations were projected on the screen. I liked one of the songs when a hunter was supposed to be cleaning his gun, and so he was sitting there polishing his Nerf gun. Opera's not really my thing and I wouldn't say I LOVED the performance, but it was good and I was able to support Demetria. Deprived me of the time I'd planned to spend doing my big English project, but at least I have tomorrow.
Demetria had to stay late to clean up, so I walked home. Though like a moron, I tried waiting for the bus first. When I texted it, it said it was two minutes away. But seven minutes passed and there was no sign of it. That's when I remembered buses don't run after 9:00 (although my first text had been at 9:07). I started walking then. I was wearing short sleeves and no coat, and it was pretty cold. Demetria ended up getting a ride with a friend and beat me back. Oh well.
I wasn't hungry enough to make my pizza, so I had a cookie and took the night for myself. Well, that was the plan, anyway. In actuality, I ended up spending an hour critiquing the writing of a friend, and let a friend talk to me about more depression/anxiety stuff. So I stayed up pretty late again.
But things are working out. It's good to help people, even if it's only temporary and I know I'll be doing it again soon. Depression and anxiety are bizarre things that way. I'm not the kind of person who needs constant reassurance that I'm not being annoying, and you would think that a single night spent exchanging long, thoughtful paragraphs where we talk things out would mean something. Even a single night every few months. But although I'm constantly told that my words help, the meaning behind them doesn't seem to stick, and I haven't done anything that should suggest my positive feelings towards my friends have changed. It's mind-boggling to me.
It's also interesting that I'm regularly told my words "mean so much", because... to me, they're just... words. They don't fix problems. They're so much easier to create than art, so quick and simple and... not enough effort, I suppose? They don't mean anything to me. Heh. "Words of affirmation" is by no means by love language. The act of someone sacrificing their time for me would mean way more to me than the words themselves.
Anyway, I'm blessed not to suffer from depression or anxiety in my life, so I'm glad that I can offer what support I can to people I know who do, because they matter to me. My love languages are [thoughtful] gift giving and acts of service, after all. I just wish that of all the thoughts that could stick in their heads, the fact that I love them and don't think they're annoying would be the one.
But things are working out. It's good to help people, even if it's only temporary and I know I'll be doing it again soon. Depression and anxiety are bizarre things that way. I'm not the kind of person who needs constant reassurance that I'm not being annoying, and you would think that a single night spent exchanging long, thoughtful paragraphs where we talk things out would mean something. Even a single night every few months. But although I'm constantly told that my words help, the meaning behind them doesn't seem to stick, and I haven't done anything that should suggest my positive feelings towards my friends have changed. It's mind-boggling to me.
It's also interesting that I'm regularly told my words "mean so much", because... to me, they're just... words. They don't fix problems. They're so much easier to create than art, so quick and simple and... not enough effort, I suppose? They don't mean anything to me. Heh. "Words of affirmation" is by no means by love language. The act of someone sacrificing their time for me would mean way more to me than the words themselves.
Anyway, I'm blessed not to suffer from depression or anxiety in my life, so I'm glad that I can offer what support I can to people I know who do, because they matter to me. My love languages are [thoughtful] gift giving and acts of service, after all. I just wish that of all the thoughts that could stick in their heads, the fact that I love them and don't think they're annoying would be the one.
